My encounter with defeat

I don't know if it was because we never had a lot of extra money when I was growing up, but I never liked to see food go to waste. I was the token "garbage disposal", and it was cute, until I got fat. I would go far beyond any level of physical comfort or mental cognizance just do my job and make sure no food would go into the trash...because it apparently is more useful soaking into my bloodstream. My logic was flawless.

So, that brings us to present day. One of the reasons I hate going to restaurants is because the size of many of the meals. For example, I was at the local Red Robin the other day, trying to enjoy my dinner. But its hard to focus with all the shenanigans on the wall, the 15-top table of high school punks giggling and being their punky selves to my left, a big fucking red bird walking around, brushing the back of my head with feathers, the crazy buck-toothed man blowing and shaping balloons for the twin 8-year olds bawling their heads off in the corner because the balloon man (presumably a repeat child molester) scares them, the red chaotic colored tables and the all-too predictable overly-enthusiastic, freckle-faced, bombastic teenager of a girl singing "Hi! My name's Kayla! I'll be your server tonight!" (though, not enjoyably).

So now that the surrounding has been painted, we order our food and I think I am going through a panic attack. My face gets hot, I start perspiring and my chest feels like there is an elephant named Pepe (why Pepe, you ask? Well, I have never heard of a Mexican elephant. Have you? Pretty funny, right? Yeah, I thought so too) standing on it. I must spend the next 20 minutes trying to focus, to calm myself down when a burger the size of my head is placed in front of me.

So I started eating. Big bite of burger here, handful of fries there and slurp-slurp of my Roy Rogers to wash it all down. I got 3/4 of the way through the burger and realized my stomach was at maximum capacity. So, Knowing what I know now, I stopped. But I felt weird...like when you know somebody is watching you. I felt a stare. Looked all around. Nobody. But I still felt it. I looked down. There was my burger. I just stared at it for a moment, and I think it winked at me. And then it started laughing.

-Burger: Ha, ha, ha. You can't eat me. You aren't man enough to eat me.
-Me: Shut up, burger. Yes I am.
-Burger: But you will cry because it hurts too bad.
-Me: I will only cry tears of victory!

And so, I finished the wretched burger. Its evil were ingested and dissolved in the region of Stomachton, and its waste was cast permanently away to the underwater land of Toileteria. But in my agonizing pain and indescribable discomfort, I realized something. I have no self control when it comes to delicious food. And, it's something I have to live with. The burger was my spoonful of shut up.