I Remember This One Time...

I remember this one time when I was living in Santa Barbara. A few of my good friends came to visit for the weekend.

This was a night when spirits ran high for my comrades and I. After a wonderful day at the beach and a much needed power nap, we started to pre-party at my house. By the time we made it out to the bars, we were most certainly giddy. So we get to the first place, Madison's, for their token late-night happy hour, $2/well and $4/call.

Out on the patio there is a large group of us, friends from town, friends from out of town, complete strangers...we know how to get a party started. Our friend Craig starts developing an on-the-fly alias. Out of nowhere he was introducing himself as being from Australia. "Ello, mate" is all he said for the next hour. It is the most pathetic accent I have ever heard, and I a not alone.

-Craig: Eeello, mate!
-Girl: You aren't Australian.
-Craig: You ever made love to an Australian, mate?
-Girl: You still aren't Australian.
-Craig: Right you are, I'm Tasmanian!
-Girl: Are you retarded?
-Craig: No, I'm Tasmanian!
-Girl: No you're no---
-Craig: How do you know, mate? You ever been to Tasmania?

As he asked this he lifted his shirt to reveal to her his pierced nipples. She promptly walked away.

On to the next club.

Q's. Q's is a three-story sushi place by day and a club at night (made famous mostly for its 80's night on Tuesdays and its remarkable, pungent odor of vomit, but for some reason, hot girls flocked there). There are five of us dudes and in a packed club, it is hard to keep the pack together. So after some minutes I find myself talking to some girl who buys me a drink (yeah, it happens sometimes). We get to dancing and I am feeling all types of good. I look up and see AJ dancing with some girl. He looks drunk, but happy. Focusing back on the fawn I was dancing with, I heard something shoot through the BOOM, BOOM bumping of the Thriller remix, and it sounds like trouble.

AJ is on the other side of the dance floor and I see a large man of Mexican descent approach him (his face completely void of happiness). I see fingers in faces and I feel the hostility from far away. I don't know how, but in the next instant I am there. I come out of seeming nowhere and pop up behind AJ's shoulder with a, "what's the problem?"
**Note: I had some whiskey ("anger juice") at Madison's. I was feeling a little saucy. ***

-guy: Your friend is the problem. He's gettin' inappropriate with my sister.
-aj: Bro, she started dancing with me.
-guy: Ain't nobody wanna dance with your dumb ass.
-aj: Are you out of your mind? You really are out of your fu#@ing mind! (This was a quote from a Dane Cook skit. It was meant to be funny.)
-guy: I'm gonna knock you out, Brosef.
-aj (smiling): Come on, man. Its Dane Cook.
-guy: Man, F$#K Dane Cook! and F$#k you!

We eventually walked away because, well, he and his friends were ridiculously large. And his sister really wasn't that cute.

That night, Craig wandered off and passed out in a public parking garage. We heard from him the next morning, "eey, mate!"