Enthusiastic store employees really piss me off. Take today, for example. I was doing my J-Man thing at the neighborhood Costco, bee-lining straight from the entrance to the pharmacy line. Friday evening, apparently, is the secret hang-out for all those hot moms with tight pants and a ponytail we all want to indulge in. Eh-hem. Anyway, there I was; standing in the pharmaceutical line. I watched as an elderly couple walked (well, the woman was in a wheel chair, so they stroll-walked…stralked?) to a stand next to the pharmacy. They were examining a volume-increaser…some As Seen on TV type of thing. There were two different brands and the couple carefully examined each. Just when the woman turned her head to look for a salesman, BAM! Right out of nowhere this squirrelly guy bounced his way behind the stand with a smile like he just fucked a supermodel.
“How ya folks doin? My name’s Brian. So I see you’re looking at the two finest models we have. Let me tell you about the …”
I noticed his voice increased steadily, like because they were old they were probably deaf, or stupid…or maybe both. He kept referring to the “electronic technologies” that were involved in the volume increaser. I don’t actually know if I have ever heard of somebody single-handedly making up so many fictitious terms. It began to hurt my brain, so I lost focus until I heard, “Well, I don’t know first hand how they work, but I tell you true, I have gotten nothing but great feedback from both of those products right there. I may not know which is best, but I know that you will be happy with whatever purchase you make. Happiness is a promise, and you will be happy. That’s my guarantee to you.”
This little pencil-dick with his greasy, curly, slicked-back hair and faux diamond earring stud actually just said “That’s my guarantee to you.” He was definitely the type of guy who took all the Costco training videos, went home, took off his dirty, mangled Docker’s Khakis and jerked off to every one of those videos. Then he probably had a nice glass of wine, combed his hair again, and jerked off to all his customer service awards, in chronological order.
Do you ever feel like that?
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