A List of My Dislikes: 5

1. Walnuts in my baked goods. Seriously. Walnuts are acceptable in three forms only. Eating them raw. Eating them toasted. Eating them on a salad with a balsamic vinaigrette and dried cranberries. That's it. NEVER in cookies. And NEVER in brownies. I've had enough of this unholiness. Not only do they taste terrible, there is a mindset... a stereotypical attitude of the people that make them. When you politely decline and say, "No thank you. I don't really like walnuts," you can bet your lucky stars that EVERY single one of them has the same response. "Oh, no. You have to try these..." and here it comes... "I have a really good recipe."

Oh, really? That's funny because I have a really good I WANNA PUT MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS! Do not brag about your nut-baking skills. Nobody wants to taste your culinary abortions. Please leave.

2. Sweet pickles. Here's a little secret...there's nothing sweet about them. They smell terrible and taste like a big load of goop shot straight out of Satan's tallywhacker. But perhaps the thing I like least of these little hate sticks are the people that eat them. Not all people, but the ones who say stupid things. For example, "Oh, no. I don't really like sweet pickles." ...ok, we're starting off alright... "But I absolutely loooove relish." WTF? Why don't you do yourself a solid and stop lying to yourself. We're talking about pickles here, not abortions. It's okay if you like them, though I don't know how you could. I hope the next time you stick one of those disgusting little Martian penises in your mouth you choke.

Not really, I just wanted to refer to sweet pickles as Martian penises. Because Martians are green. And penises are little. But really, Martian boners are funny. Trust me.

3. Silk boxers. When women talk about wearing silk underwear, it's sexy. Because that s sound is so naughty. Sexy seductive silk stockings ssssswimming ssssslowly, ssssscintillating statues in sssslippery splendor. All these things and all these things. Plus, girls in underwear is just a hot picture. But for us penis-toting males, silk isn't so smooth. Especially in Redding temperatures where it's like 115 degrees. Any form of moisture and that shit sticks right to your leg. You sit down, and it gets all matted, creeping up your stomach. You get the worst wedgie of your life and you try to pull them down, but it's still sticky so the boxers sit slightly to the left. Not a lot, but just enough to make you uncomfortable throughout the rest of the day. And they're structurally unsound. I'm reminded of the Friends episode where Ross wears the leather pants...

In that fragile state any sudden movement is grounds for tearing. So by the end of the day with sitting and standing and twisting and adjusting you are left with nothing more than a tangled, crumpled, ripped and off-centered pair of useless underwear. Damned be the manufacturers. I've fallen prey to your tricks one too many times.