A List of My Dislikes: 5

1. Walnuts in my baked goods. Seriously. Walnuts are acceptable in three forms only. Eating them raw. Eating them toasted. Eating them on a salad with a balsamic vinaigrette and dried cranberries. That's it. NEVER in cookies. And NEVER in brownies. I've had enough of this unholiness. Not only do they taste terrible, there is a mindset... a stereotypical attitude of the people that make them. When you politely decline and say, "No thank you. I don't really like walnuts," you can bet your lucky stars that EVERY single one of them has the same response. "Oh, no. You have to try these..." and here it comes... "I have a really good recipe."

Oh, really? That's funny because I have a really good I WANNA PUT MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS! Do not brag about your nut-baking skills. Nobody wants to taste your culinary abortions. Please leave.

2. Sweet pickles. Here's a little secret...there's nothing sweet about them. They smell terrible and taste like a big load of goop shot straight out of Satan's tallywhacker. But perhaps the thing I like least of these little hate sticks are the people that eat them. Not all people, but the ones who say stupid things. For example, "Oh, no. I don't really like sweet pickles." ...ok, we're starting off alright... "But I absolutely loooove relish." WTF? Why don't you do yourself a solid and stop lying to yourself. We're talking about pickles here, not abortions. It's okay if you like them, though I don't know how you could. I hope the next time you stick one of those disgusting little Martian penises in your mouth you choke.

Not really, I just wanted to refer to sweet pickles as Martian penises. Because Martians are green. And penises are little. But really, Martian boners are funny. Trust me.

3. Silk boxers. When women talk about wearing silk underwear, it's sexy. Because that s sound is so naughty. Sexy seductive silk stockings ssssswimming ssssslowly, ssssscintillating statues in sssslippery splendor. All these things and all these things. Plus, girls in underwear is just a hot picture. But for us penis-toting males, silk isn't so smooth. Especially in Redding temperatures where it's like 115 degrees. Any form of moisture and that shit sticks right to your leg. You sit down, and it gets all matted, creeping up your stomach. You get the worst wedgie of your life and you try to pull them down, but it's still sticky so the boxers sit slightly to the left. Not a lot, but just enough to make you uncomfortable throughout the rest of the day. And they're structurally unsound. I'm reminded of the Friends episode where Ross wears the leather pants...

In that fragile state any sudden movement is grounds for tearing. So by the end of the day with sitting and standing and twisting and adjusting you are left with nothing more than a tangled, crumpled, ripped and off-centered pair of useless underwear. Damned be the manufacturers. I've fallen prey to your tricks one too many times.

A List of My Dislikes: Part 2

once again, in no particular order...

1. This one is two-fold. It has to deal with animals. I love animals, don't get me wrong. What I dislike is: a) When people think it is funny to use people's voices to express an animal's supposed opinion in commercials for animal products. For example, the IAMS commercials. Dogs don't talk. We all know that. It's not funny or cute when you place a voice with an animal. Really; get a life. b) When people dress up their animals, take pictures of them, then place those photos online with stupid little captions. For example, check this website out Stupid Cats Or like when the people submit the videos of their squirrels water skiing with stupid little helmets.

2. I dislike it when, in local company commercials, the children are featured speakers. Here's a newsflash: children don't possess the proper vocalics - voice intonation, assertive voice, timing or any other effective delivery approach. What that means to me: It annoys the living crap out of me. Your child(ren) are not cute. They are not entertaining. Their shrill voices hammer and drone with great stiletto force into the nether-regions of my cranial cavity. Half the time you can't even understand what the kids are saying because they are either laughing or two blinks shy of being completely retarded. Kids, I can deal with. But don't put them in your commercials. If you do, and I find out where you live, I will dedicate every night for the rest of my life to urinating inside your mailbox.

3. If you really want to ruffle my feathers, then use the term "Livin' the dream" when asked how they are doing. Example:

-Hey, Joe. How's it going?
-Just livin' the dream, Gary. Just another day in paradise.

NOBODY in their right mind is that happy with their job. Even Mary Poppins wasn't that happy. Just a spoonful of sugar my ass. A spoonful of sugar to chase the fifth of whiskey she had to drink each night in order to sleep. Plus, livin the dream just sounds so absurdly gay. Not gay in a homosexual sense, but more so the social adaptation of it meaning stupid, pathetic, lame or any other derogatory connotation. Some guy said it to me the other day. He worked at the burger stand. If his dreams equate to no more than plugging his facial pores with airborne particles of grease and unsanitary minutia so his one zit can soon have many, many friends, then he may as well join the military.

For today, these are things I dislike.

A List of My Dislikes: Part 1

in no particular order...

1. Wal Mart. Let me explain; I don't necessarily dislike saving money. I like money. I want to have more. But I hate the fact that in my town, at 10:30 on Saturday night, Wal Mart is the liveliest place around. All of the bars and clubs combined couldn't hold a candle to the chaos that is late-night Wal Mart. Also, I loathe the scent upon arrival. They always place a stupid little McDonald's right in the very front of the store. That way, after the unnecessarily friendly shopping cart man breathes all over you and says all-too-joyously, Welcome to Wal Mart, one is immediately bombarded with the putrid stench of the culinary abortions more commonly referred to as 'french fries'. The stale aroma of plastic meat and day-old pickles is enough to dissuade one from considering fast food a better choice than good old-fashioned regurgitation.

2. Jamiroquai. That guy straight sucks. I wish there was a more elegant or elaborate explanation, but no such thing exists. He doesn't make music. His voice turns the healthy, sick; nuns to witches.

3. Global warming. Let me paint a picture. You have a girlfriend. She is loving, sweet, smart and all things attractive to you. One day you are walking in, let's say, the mall. Suddenly you see a girl you went to high school with and proceed with the courtesy five-minute catch-up, then leave. One of your girlfriend's friends happens to witness you talking to, OMG, another girl! So she tells your girlfriend that you are cheating with some mall skank, and your girlfriend blows it completely out of proportion, and never trusts you again. That's how I feel about Global Warming. Kids are doing poorly in school? Must be global warming. We go to war with Osama? Hell, blame that on global warming. The tomatoes in your garden are either bigger and jucier or smaller and fewer than ever before? You can attribute either to global warming. If you have trouble becoming completely or even partially aroused, I'm sure some quack scientist somewhere will show a correlation between melting ice caps and impotence. The thing is, politicians are always looking for a scapegoat. For a while it was 9/11. That shit got people riled. Patriotism had never been higher. Guys would go home on their lunch breaks and masturbate to the concept of liberty, focusing of course on the physical manifestation. But that all started to wear away. The politicians needed something new, something fresh. Enter: Global warming. Here's my thoughts: global warming; schmobile snoring.

4. Text or instant messaging shortcuts including, but certainly not limited to: lol, rotfl, l8r, ur, u r, c u l8r and most importantly, OMG. It is bad when i see these things on a screen, but when I hear people use them in their vocabulary, I become infused with such an insatiable rage I could do something..very, very bad, maybe even to a very, very good person.