It's cheaper to rent

I don't date. Well, I am not currently dating, I should say. Until about a year ago I never really cared to be in a relationship. You are probably familiar with the adage, "Why buy a cow when you get the milk for free?" But given my life experiences, I have been yielded what I call Chain Vicious, so you can't really blame me. It goes a little something like this.

Meet girl at bar. Get drunk. Random hookup. Random hookup becomes regular booty call. This becomes relationship. Both people are surprised at how fast things have moved, so they start cheating on each other. But still have sex with each other. Without protection. They get knocked up. She starts popping babies out, he starts working double shifts at the local McDonald's to buy milk. They still cheat on each other. One day they may get married. Then again they might not. Either way, they hate their lives and are worse off for having met.

I know, I know...you are probably thinking that's a little extreme. And it is. But my brain has two functions when it comes to the art of seduction.

1.In this mode I tell myself I don't envision the relationship going anywhere, that I am just meeting this girl to enjoy myself, in whatever capacity that may be. I am relaxed, and tend to start these stories off very well.

2.In this mode, I have asked the girl on a date because I have a huge crush and actually found her able to carry a conversation without talking about her best friend Tammy. But I get nervous. Do I be myself? She seems a little conservative, I wouldn't want to offend her right off the bat. But does she want to be offended? Why is she twiddling her hair? Quick, say something funny. No, not that! You bumbling idiot. Great, now she probably thinks you're an idiot. Oh shit, I'm sweating. Uncontrollably. Why is this happening? Look, she's laughing at me. Or was it the joke? Don't be stupid, nobody would laugh at that joke. Welp, you fucked it up. Good job, dummy.

This all takes place in the first 20 minutes or so. So, if I act like this, it's considered a compliment. Remember that you little vixens.

But that's what I think about when I meet a girl I like. I don't wonder why I'm single...these ramblings are plenty of reason. But recently I have thought, hey, maybe I should at least try to date somebody for a while. It always starts that way, then on the first or second date I always get "the feeling." And it is a curse, this feeling. I could be having the time of my life, laughing, making her laugh, intelligent, deep, thoughtful and penetrating conversation and then it happens. Without looking for it I find one flaw I can't let go.

Some more notable flaws of the past have yielded
Rachel: Eyes continuously opened large, like she was ALWAYS surprised
Lisa: a laugh like dolphins mating feverishly
Raychel: Walked to the fullest extent, up onto the tippy toes of each foot, with each step. There's no reason for that
Erin: 1.Had a stupid laugh 2.Didn't know what psychology was 3.Always looked confused
Kim: Used the nose wrinkle when she well shouldn't have. The nose wrinkle is reserved for a select few, at only a select few times. It's powers should not be exercised unless you're a complete bitch or trying to get me in the sack, which, I'm still waiting for...

Anyhoodle, the last time I dated I spent a lot of money and was dissatisfied with the results...she stopped answering my calls. That's when my boss, who annoys me at work but is wise in worldly ways, gave me the motto by which I now abide.

If it flies, floats or fucks, it's cheaper to rent.

Thanks, boss.

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