I lost my virginity today

I lost my virginity today. Much to my dismay, it didn't involve whipped cream and assless chaps. It lasted much longer than I expected, and hoped, and ended briefly with my valiant effort gently dismissed.

Today, I went to jury duty.

I have never before been to said duty of jurors. I have received a summons a time or two, but either was busy fighting massive infernos, curing diseases in remote sections of western Africa or keeping Tahoe blue, so I was never able to attend. Until today.

Well, actually my summons requested I call in Monday night to see if I was to be called. But the message told me I was on juror standby (apparently the court system can drag you along for up to five days with this uncertainty). So I called yesterday, and sure as gravity I had to show up today. At 8 a.m.

The courthouse foyer was much like an airport security area, just without the possibility of escaping your cruddy life for a few days. I was directed to a hallway where a line of summons-toting Joe-do-gooders waited to enter "the room." The perky juror summons assembly congregation receptionist badge-taker ladies herded us like cattle into the room - a large, square space with many chairs arranged (permanently) in no particular order. They were half-moon configured with the top of the arc in the back of the room. Random tables and chairs dotted the empty spaces. It was like a puzzle with no answer. So we waited in line - mooo - and waited some more.

After being permitted to sit down I realized I had forgotten my book at home. For the next 20 minutes we watched informational and encouraging videos on the benefits of the "privilege," I believe was the term used, of sitting in a jury. One man, whom I initially considered a vagrant, was clothed in a Coors Light baseball cap, ripped T-shirt, ripped shorts, and completed with the faux pas sock/sandle combination. Really? When I walked by him i caught a whiff of booze. It smelt like this gentleman had enjoyed his 7:30 a.m. martini - judging by his outfit would have constituted a 40 of Natty Ice.

This is how it relates to sex.

Eventually 50 of us are called and we go to the court room. We take a recess, come back, take lunch, come back, take another recess, then at 3:30 I am called to sit in "the box." To me, this sounds an awful lot like dating. No complete exposure. Stop-and-go. Listen to a bunch of shit you don't really care about, all in hopes you win the prize.

Up until that point I had been scheming a way to get out of jury duty. I thought of pretending I was extremely racist or saying that I knew one of the witnesses. But then I decided to man-up. Besides, there were no black people in the courtroom and only one Mexican guy. But he left before I had a chance to insult him. Selfish bastard. That is to say you realize there are heightened expectations, certain attachments that won't easily be broken. So you think about telling a lie, just to test the waters. Always come prepared with an escape plan.

By this time I have heard so many stupid people comparing their life stories to the case and the attorneys explaining in depth how their history shouldn't interfere...whatever. So I tell I can be fair, don't have biases, blah blah, and all seems well. So what started off as a lie has merged its way into the truth. Win-win, right?

Then, two minutes later, the plaintiff's attorney read the words I thought I would never hear, "We'd like to thank and excuse juror number 12." And to tell the truth, it came as a bit of a surprise. But when I really got to thinking about it, I think I was a little sad because I would have rather endured the trial and complained about it than not having to serve at all. And here it is. The two minutes of the most unsatisfying satisfaction you'll ever experience, hopefully. The almighty, "Um, okay. Why don't you get off of me and never call me again" scenario. After all, you probably won't see her again. Nor will you see the jurors. Which is good because she (other jurors) will probably tell her friends you are no good in the box.

Case in point, I lost my jury duty virginity today. It was everything I expected, and not a bit more.

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