Frivolous lawsuits lead to stupid citizens, especially on airplanes

I like flying. Not that it is sooo much fun, but it is convenient. Granted, people always talk about how bad the waits are and how slow the security checkpoint is. You might also hear when there is a whiteout blizzard in Wisconsin and your flight had to be redirected, one of the flight's 300-something passengers, who always seem to think the airline is picking on them, start screaming at the terminal attendant.

But I don't mind it. I kind of enjoy being around a bunch of people I don't know. Because in my day-to-day life, there is never really a chance for me to be alone and just think about me. I know, I know, you are all depressed on my behalf. But fear not. Because I enjoy a little alone time. And where better than in a sea of unfamiliar faces? If my flight is delayed, I simply make a phone call, pretending to the person on the other line that I am really annoyed and sad I won't be wherever it is I am going on time. Then I go to the bar.

I have a drink. What's that? Still more time? I have [many] another drink[s]. And that is cool.

I usually end up talking to some guy who claims to have been working alongside the founder of Yahoo! or Sony (I have truly met multiple persons who claim such fame) and get to bullshit about bullshit for a while. As you might have seen in other posts about (often family) vacations - namely Disneyland, or as I might be inclined to call it, Satan's Crotch - my vacations consist of crowded schedules and little time to really vacate. That's why this, this precious time alone amongst total strangers, is my time to escape.

Then you get on the plane.

It's the same drill. People sitting in the waiting area of their gate, all seats taken except the two surrounding the old guy in the corner that looks like he could molest anybody who crosses his path, and the cheery, often Asian, terminal attendant gets on the speakerphone.

"Thank you passengers of --- Airlines, flight --- to ---. We will now begin boarding for our premier passengers, rows 1-6."

So you see people start to get up and move. But out of a blue sky, like a streaker running through a packed football stadium, EVERYBODY jumps up and rushes to be in line. But to no avail. It doesn't matter. Most airlines have assigned seating, and for a good flippin' reason. So this kind of chaos doesn't exist. But still, at the sound of the peppy attendant's voice, people grab their bags, children and whatever newspaper they found on the seat next to them and jump in line. Reminds me of cattle obediently following the desire of the horseback-mounted man snapping a whip. Moo, motherf'ers. Moo.

Then, some 23 minutes later your row is called to board. So you walk down the creepy E.T.-esque hallway, waiting to be taken by men in white bubbly suits. But instead you wait in line. Then, even though you look like an adult and a reasonable person should reasonably assume you know how to count, the flight attendant takes your ticket and points you in the only direction available other than First Class. "Oh, really? seat 64DD is down this way? Who knew?" So you make your way down the rows, everybody watching you. Some people would be embarrassed to find out their zippers were down. Not me. I would give them something to appreciate (laugh at).

So you sit down in-between the stereotypical white-haired cocky, asshole 65 year-old "gentle"man and the 30-something guy, often wearing a baseball cap, trying to make funnies with the flight attendants, who are never impressed. Then the torture begins.

The five minute spiel about the same, dim-witted shit you always hear. For crimany sakes, they have an attendant SHOW you how to buckle a god-blessed buckle! Natural selection, dummies. If you can't figure it out, it's one less body I'll have to think about when we touch ground, in any capacity. They also mention that "The cabin is pressurized for your convenience and safety." Really? Convenience and safety? I don't think it is so much convenience. They try to riddle our minds with their supposed 'good intentions'. Because when the plane reaches 37,000 feet in elevation, ain't nobody in that mother gonna be breathing without a pressurized cabin. But it would be cool though...because you could have one beer and be completely tossed. But you would also be dead. So don't try it. And they try to fool you by having flight attendants with ultra-sexy voices. Every red-blooded man has a fantasy somewhere in his libido about a hot stewardess. The commies at the FAA realized this and screened applicants based on voice-sexiness. Because when dudes get horny, they listen. Then there are the pictures.

I mean, blinking lights are cool, when under the influence of psychedelic mushrooms, but not when they blink and 'beep' every 5 freaking minutes. "Well, we just reached our destination altitude, so the lights are off." ...five minutes later...""Well, we have encountered some turbulence so please remain seated, and buckled." My thought: if this mother crashes, there is no way I am surviving. So I'm going down in comfort.

And let's be COMPLETELY real, does ANYBODY really think that it is OK to smoke in a plane? Anybody? I mean, honestly. Turn off those stupid lights. If I honestly saw somebody lighting up on a plane, I couldn't even be mad. That would be the ballsiest person I would have ever met. And I would have enjoyed it. And while on the subject, if even mentally-disabled persons know not to smoke on the plane, then why would anybody think it is OK to smoke in the BATHROOM? Are those signs necessary? I want to know how many times airlines have been sued for people getting hurt because when they crashed their seatbelt wasn't on, and it was the airline's fault they weren't wearing it. I would also like to know how many times (in the past 30 years) people have smoked on airplanes, and more so, in the bathrooms?

These signs are here because of people suing simply for money, not for the sake of there being something wrong. Like the lady who sued McDonald's for $1 million because she burned herself on coffee, which, as a reasonable person would see it, is hot. It's hot! These stupid signs, not only on airplanes but everywhere (a simple Google search will verify this) are making citizens stupider. The less we think the better off we'll be, right? No, dumbasses. Well, actually there are a lot of dumb people in this world. But can't the semi-intelligent ones get a special pass or something? Like a membership card to the local Blockbuster?

I blame frivolous lawsuits and the pansy airline executives who give into this horse turd for the perpetuating stupidity of citizens. Shame on you. You make the dumb dumber, and the not-so-dumb, marginally less not-so-dumb marginally dumber. What? Exactly. This is your spoonful of shut up.