It's been a while...

Seriously. It's been darn near three months since my last post. WTF? I'm not really sure why, but many of you are still reading this, and some of you are still leaving comments. And that's awesome! So, thank you. I don't see any form of logic, but I also have twice as many RSS subscribers and more than double followers of my blog than I did Jan. 21, my last post. So I guess I owe you a pretty good explanation. Honestly, there have just been a ton of things going on (not unlike any of you, I can assume). All that malarkey led to an unintentional hiatus. But just for your pleasure, and to make you think I've been doing lots of cool, interesting things that will ultimately benefit humanity, I've taken the time to recount my recent doings/thoughts/dreams.

Most recently, I fractured a rib. I'd like to say it was due to a valiant doing - saving children from burning buildings or defending the honor of a young lady. But it was much less impressive. As part of my "Mission: Get Hot" get-fit-for-summer regimen, I've been playing in a softball league. And let's be real, I'm pretty darned good. But the fields are that outdoor carpet/astro turf nonsense, and that shit tears you up if you slide on it. Just ask my legs, they've felt the road-rashing sting many a time. So as I was running to 2nd base I knew I didn't want to slide. But out of my peripherals I saw a large white mass, quickly increasing in size and proximity to my head. As I ducked, I made a last-minute decision to slide head-first. But the additional layer of astro turf surrounding the base had other intentions. My toe caught the lip of the material and instead of a graceful slide, I tripped and curled and fell - my knee tucked into my chest. I landed on it and smashed my ribs into my lung. Laying there struggling for breath I reached for the base (yes, I beat the throw), but the fielder, seeing me in a state of pain and pity, tagged me. I was out. And I hurt. On top of it all, I still got road rash on my leg. Case in point: Damn me for trying to be active.

My walkway as of late has been a traveling highway (think intersection of 405 and 101 in LA) for snails. Them shits is ever'where. And the walkway is dimly lit, so in late-night excursions I seem to crush one of the little buggers almost nightly. I feel terrible, but man, they move so freakin slow - which got me thinking. These snails seem to move caravan style. Slowly cruisin from point to point. Time means nothing to them. So thinking about how slow they move, wouldn't it be funny if they suffered from premature ejaculation? And yes, snails do hump. Think about it, just listen to this conversation I taped between two snails:

-Guy Snail: Damn, baby. I've been trailin your fine ass all across the lawn.
-Lady Snail: Hehehe. I know you have. You're marginally faster than the other guy snails.
-GS: When I saw your slime trail I just had to get me some of that.
-LS: Oohh, you know how to treat a lady. What say we consummate?
-GS: We on the same page now. (slowly scoots up to the lady) Yeah, just let me get, yeah we doin' the dirty snail now (.3 seconds later) Oops, I'm done.
-LS: Oh, that was it? I'm gonna have like 100 snail babies, and all I got was that?
-GS: It took me two days to hunt you down and less than a second to show you what real snails are made of.
-LS: I guess. Do you have a smoke?
-GS: Nah, but there's a little dish over there filled with beer. Let's party!

Is it just me or would life be a lot simpler if we were snails?

I also have been having business ideas - what I perceive to be savvy, multi-million-dollar making ideas. For example, there are wine bars everywhere. Chances are you've probably seen a tequila bar. But where I'm from there are no whiskey bars. And I like my whiskey. So, instead of opening a bar dedicated to whiskey, I want to hold an annual (or monthly) event called the Whiskey Dick Social. People just come and get fucked up off their favorite whiskeys. I haven't thought of a prize or way to judge a winner, though a few obvious thoughts have crossed my mind...

This is getting a little long, so I'll pull some more random crap out in the next post.