Saturday, May 17, 2008

A List of My Dislikes: Part 4


1. The term diva. Primarily used by gay men and under-20-something girls, the term has gained unexpected adaptation, and has thus lead to severe overuse.

Just like when the local [crappy] radio stations get their hands on the new top hit [which was released in real cities months earlier] and play it on every station until you know the words by heart, and then despise yourself for knowing the words, such an effect has been brought about by diva.

According to Wikipedia, which is one of my most favoritist websites in the history of the sentient beings, it is derived from the Italian word "diva", meaning "goddess". In the relatively recent vernacular, it was used to describe some female of outstanding vocal artistry. But now is used to describe, pretty much any girl, who can speak her mind, while embracing a wardrobe that is classified by its users as "good fashion". For example, when I recently asked a gay friend of mine, "Hey, how is [insert name] doing?" He responded, "Well, you know...she's just a diva. You can't stop a girl like that." What in God's green earth does that mean?

2.SpaghettiO's. I want to meet the redneck bastard who ever concocted such a foul, uninviting entree. Eating SpaghettiO's is like eating Hot Pockets. The last time I had these formidable little O's of thrice-processed floor scum, I felt like much less of a man. Sadly, that feeling has yet to wear off. Whoever this genius was, though, is much richer than I probably ever will be. Redneck son of a bitch. He's probably the same guy who came up with the slogan "Save a cow. Eat a vegetarian." Which brings me to my next dislike.

3.Stupid bumper stickers. Unless your car is at least a decade old, don't litter it with other people's wisdom, or lack of common sense. Driving down the road the other day, I saw one of the most unforgettable bumper stickers my eyes have ever seen. On the left side was a large pair of breasts, barely covered by a low-cut top. On the right was an infant curled up in the fetal position flashing the peace sign. In the middle was the text: "Back off. I let my babies choose for themselves. Vote 'pro'."

Now, just fancy me, what the hell does that mean? I can see the direct reference to the baby (baby, babies) but the boobs? Ok, boobs are often referred to as "babies" in a low-ball way, but how do boobs correlate with [literal] babies? And how can unborn fetuses choose for themselves? What the hell is going on here? Who exactly is the target audience? What message are they trying to convey? Now, you can call me a stereotyping asshole, but the sticker was on a 2004 Kia Sportage, which also had a license plate cover telling me to, "Back the fuck up!". I didn't find that very polite. There were two children in the back, and a golden retriever barking incessantly out the window. The woman driving was smoking a cigarette and was wearing an NRA trucker hat. The guy in the passenger seat, weighing 50 or so pounds less than the driver, had a flat-billed hat tilted slightly to the side and was smoking a tipped cigar. They were bumping some Master P when the gentleman passenger started moving his hand like a conductor and lip-syncing the words to the [terrible] song.

My heart sank.

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