It's Friday, and like most working-class Americans, I've had a long week. It wasn't bad or terribly difficult, but I get to hear a lot of complaints, and that will drip-drop-drain a man - not to mention working roughly 16-hour days. But I compensated by drinking a lot of coffee (my whiskey substitute). Now I'm Jazzy McHyperpants. I just just keep running around the office. I have the tune of "Final Countdown" blaring in my head, and for the past hour I have sung it out loud. There is a strange urge to karate chop everything I see.
Some people drink to cure their problems, some people eat to blow off steam, but I karate chop shit. I'm perfecting the form of my [not-yet]patented ThunderPunch. My coworkers admire me and can't bear to make eye contact when I'm in the zone. And now, I'm certainly in the zone. With anxiety-induced fervor, I rant my weekly dislikes. Here it goes...I am tired of hearing three things. It's like these three phrases have crept their way into every conversation I've had in the past two months. And it sickens me.
1. The economy is down. Times are rough right now. Really, who the flip doesn't know that by now? And what I hate is the fact that it's become an excuse for everything. Sorry, I can't go to dinner. Times are rough right now. Sorry, I have to fire you. Times are rough. Sorry, I can't sleep with you because you don't have enough money...because, you know, times are hard. The condition of the economy is stealing thunder from (raspy movie trailer voice) GLOBAL WARMING (end voice.) But it is the perfect excuse to drink. "Hey, why are you drinking a Big Gulp of whiskey on a Tuesday morning?" "Oh, haven't you heard? The economy is in the slumps."
2.We're engaged!. Piss. Right. Off. It's one of those things where you always feel opposite what everybody else around is. Like now, I've come across a great number of people who are getting engaged/married. But I know if I went out and found me a lady type, put some rufies in her drink and asked her to marry me, everybody else would find some reason to break up. Then I'd have to marry the girl and watch all my single friends live the controversial good life, and that's not a commitment I'm willing to make. Grab that butt, guy in the picture. It's the last you'll get.
3.We're having a baby! Really? You're working at In-n-Out, your wife/girlfriend is working split shifts at Kmart, and like everybody says, the economy is in the dumps, yet you find it reasonable and excitable to bring another life form into pathetic, depressing existence. Good for you. I applaud you. Keep popping those little buggers out. What's that? You found out you get money from the government to support your kids because your girlfriend is deaf? Wow! FANTASTIC! Instead of finding a job to support yourself, you make money off your children. Why sell children for a one-time profit when you can keep them checks-a-rollin' in? Kudos, I say. Kudos. You and your lady need to be karate chopped in the baby makers. And I'm just the guy to do it.
2 comments:
Ah! You are THE eternal optimist!!
The economy is down? Your kidding right? People are only getting married for the tax write off and health insurance. Does your company pay for Health Insurance? Wanna get married?
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